Mercedes Santana, Writes...

His Chicken Stew - A Poem to me by I. Padilla

2012-02-09T15:55:00.001-06:00

To the woman that makes me feel like there is nothing I cannot overcome

For you are my treasure and my synonym

Many things this world has to offer and perhaps come true

But none of it matters if it is not shared with you

Yours lips are made of honeydew

They kiss me but there is nothing I can do

Paralyzed in this moment I become

Knowing that this passion cannot be undone

Your fingers through my hair

This feeling I cannot bare

Words will never be enough

To express my entire love

And in the end all that is left is you

The only ingredient in my chicken stew

Not Rated-PG 13

2012-02-08T19:11:00.001-06:00

In a lightly lit room on a bed of soft silk you reach to touch my shoulder. Slowly slide your hand up and down and found your way to the tender spot of my bosoms. Gently you rubbed with the tips of your fingers. Your other hand was placed on my back which was working its' way to the bare skin. My hands reacted and reached for your chest. I placed them on your pounding heart. I felt it’s beat and I felt your warmth. Your lips were lightly kissing my neck as I moaned in pleasure. I kissed you by the ear and whispered sweet nothings. Slowly very slowly you unhooked the clips in the front of my bra and with both hands you caressed my breast. Then lifted me and sat me on top of you with my legs wrapped around your waist. I kissed your neck some more and my hands ran all through your back. While I sat on you, I took your shirt completely off and your removed all that was getting in your way. Slowly and tenderly once again you lifted me to place me on the bed and you hovered above me. Your hands now explore my whole naked body. While mine were reaching at what would give me the eternal pleasure between my thighs. Your pants fell and we don’t know where they went. You kissed me all over while I rubbed you. You arched your back in delight and I moaned rather slightly. You stared down and hard into my eyes and we understood each others needs right there and then. Your lips found their way to my lips. We kissed for what seemed for hours, while our hands did a thing of their own. I felt you fingers enter me ever so pleasingly and my back arched up that my breast hit hour chest. You snuck your hand up my back while the other worked down below. I led your hand away so that I could kiss you all over, I wanted to please you ever so. I kissed your chest and slowly slid down and ever so tenderly I placed my lips on your cock; and slid my lips all the way until I made it disappear in my mouth. While you felt the warmth of my lips and breath I moved slowly up and down and kissed and you all over, I licked it with tenderness and caressed it. You slid your hand down to the back of my head and led me to your liking. I ate it up like cotton candy, ever so sweetly, while my hand ran over what my mouth couldn’t cover. Up and down your chest and around your arms and outer thighs. My mouth covered ever bit of skin that you hid with your clothes. Through all this your hands explored my naked body. In a quick moment you didn't resist and I was once again on my back while you positioned yourself on top 69 and kissed me with a rush of passion. I felt your tongue enter, and your lips controlled my moans and how my hands held on to you. You took over my whole body with your lips. During the whole ordeal your hands continued to rub and caress me between my legs on my things and my bare bottom. You hands possessed my body and all I could do was lay on the bed powerless being pleased to the extreme. I don't know how you found your way back to my lips but you kissed me with such force that both our bodies were feeling for each other. With your powerful hands you opened my legs and entered me with such need. I ached with pleasure and out of somewhere our bodies built a simultaneous rhythm as you went in and out. Our lips found our bodies and we continued to dance in the same rhythm. The bedroom felt like an eternal inferno and our bodies continued to build a fire. Our bodies were so close that we became one, of how close we and how deep you were in. We rolled around the bed and I sat on top, my body moved in a wave like motion as you were inside me. Your hands took hold of my breast, you sat up and kissed them, ate them like you would melting ice cream. Your hands held me at my bottom and you moved me up and down. I felt the warmth and the pleasing of your hard penis. I felt a piercing pain come inside and more and more I wanted you to enter me, faster and faster you entered and exited. Our lips found one another and we almost disappeared inside each other. We built a heat we could no longer hold and your body stiffened and your head fell back a bit with a groaned in pleasure and your warmth rushed inside of me. I was in a trance as you let it go, my body shivered in your hands and I held you so close. Our moment reached its peak and we both let all our emotions speak. You had found your way on top and I laid beneath you in silence. Absorbing all you and I had put each other through.

I want my shit back...What?

2012-02-08T18:59:00.001-06:00

I wrote this September 2006, during a challenging time in my life. I think I was a little upset. It's interesting to go back and pull these things to share.

Who the fuck do you think you are talking to? Have you goneand lost your mind mother fucker? What do you mean you want your shitback and who the hell do you think you are talking to? I know you havedone lost your mind. Oh no you didn't mother fucker. I know thatfor a minute you thought you must have been talking to your pendeja. Youwant your shit get a mother fuckin lawyer....

Wayward Souls by Vince I.

2012-02-08T18:51:00.000-06:00

A few years ago, an individual I met wrote and shared this. It describes to the T a moment we shared and it's just so nice to be able to go back to this day. I wish he had explained how I helped.

Her face was oddly beautiful. Theend of her smile reached her eyelids; it was crooked and unconventional yetcaptivating at the same time. Her white teeth were in direct contrast toher caramel colored skin. Her curly black hair bounced as shewalked. She constantly smiled and engaged me in "smalltalk." However, as she spoke I could see the pain underneath the biggrin. Her eyes couldn't lie. The glossy glare from her stare inmoments of awkward silence revealed much more about her than when shespoke. I felt strangely connected to her; a bond forged from a similarharrowing experience. We sat in a crowded plaza drinking coffee; yet wewere the only ones there.

"I hate her. I hate him. This is not what Ithought would happen." She explained.

I sipped on my Starbucks Americano rattling my brain for something comfortingto say. Words just weren't enough at the time. I stared at her asshe tried to make light of the situation by laughing; knowing full well she washurting. I was hurting too; my own demons rearing their heads. However, they didn't seem as strong or powerful as before. Somehow, inher company their influence was weakened. I smiled at her, stillsearching for the right words. The cool breeze swept through her wavyhair as she brushed it away from her face. The bright sun seemed to beshining solely for us; only for this moment. Two wayward souls connectedtrying to find their way.

"You know, everything happens for a reason. Youjust have to trust that things will be better because of what you're goingthrough." I finally said, not really believing the words I spoke.

She looked at me with a false smile, knowing I was full of shit; yet I couldtell she appreciated my effort. She took a sip of her small Mocha lattéand looked towards the traffic roaring by on Michigan Avenue. I would usuallyhave felt uncomfortable at this point; I've never really been good at givingadvice. However, I felt strangely at ease with the situation. Ilooked at my watch; it was 1:00pm. Time to head back into the big black building and go to work. Work. Time to spend my time on something I had no passion or motivation tocomplete. Time to revel in what society has told me I have to do.

"Let's just go to the Art Institute and hang out,"she said with a mischievous grin on her face.

"Fuck it, let's go." I responded as I stoodup.

We tossed our overpriced Starbucks cups into a trash can and walked defiantlytowards the Art Institute; trumping social norms along the way. We weretwo wayward souls momentarily aligned by God's grace at a specific moment intime. She spoke and I listened. Her pain seeped through her wordsand mine through my understanding. I haven't seen her much since thatrebellious day but she helped me more than she knows. I like to thinkthat we both helped each other. I sometimes reminisce and wonder if Icould have said something more comforting at the time. I still come upwith nothing. I think my listening was therapy enough for the both ofus. I'm having coffee with her tomorrow and I think the best thing Icould say is…

"Thanks." Even if she doesn't understandwhy.

It is only me... 4-16-2007

2012-02-08T18:45:00.000-06:00

It’s me against the world.

Sometimes I just want to give up.

What’s the point, you learn to love but for how long?

Who starts to fade, where does it go?

Once I thought he would never leave….

Now I worry how long before he leaves….

It’s in my head I tell myself it’s only me!

In every call I listen for a sign, it’s driving me crazy…

I can only see his eyes but I can’t see into his heart. I can only hope to trust his actions but I can’t read his thoughts… What do I do,why is this so maddening? I need something to help me get through another day….

Love is torture…it feels good and it hurts…. I haven’t let it go….I still throb in pain

Oh it hurts so much and I feel numb….it’s only me! It’s only meeeee…..

IT’S ONLY ME…..

Seven Santana's and counting...

2012-02-01T22:48:00.001-06:00

Come to realize that some of us share the same feelings of confusion and doubt. As well as shared the same blood. I share the loneliness and anger and rebellion towards my father. I wondered why didn't he care enough to hang around or seek me out. My brother and I had the same feelings at moments in our lives. Yet he managed to keep his family together despite the lessons my father shared with him. I've yet to learn how soon he left their lives. As for me, he was gone before I was even on this earth. It took so many years to come to terms that this man, was just a sperm donor to me. I am excited now that life has finally brought us together. I hold no reservations and I am ecstatic for a new beginning with my blood, my brothers and sisters. In an instant my family just grew by five. Their names, Miguel, Alejandro, Javier, Veronica and the baby Hector + my sister and I make my fathers kid count to seven. But there is more and if one day we should get a chance to meet them. I will embrace them and show them love that my father failed to offer us. I pray for him to find peace in his life or whatever he may need to be happy. But today my God said it was time to meet my family. I couldn't be more excited...

These men in my life... Sigh...

2012-01-28T17:12:00.001-06:00

These men in my life, that lack true manhood. Step up and take responsibility,don't run and hide like cowards. Youleave behind the future and you fail to nurture these leaders. You leave with no remorse and one dayyou wonder why you are alone? How come no one calls you or frequentsyou. Let me tell you that you failed to sow that seed, youleft them to their own, those young boys, you cowards. I'm tired of seeing so much potential lost tothe streets, drugs and a repetition of bad history. Own up, step-up and break the cycle. Because your daddy didn't hug you and becausehe didn't teach you kickball; Is no excuse to repeat the process. But that's my anger talking. I have three boys at home who notice that themen they once looked up to consistently leave their lives. Where did the love and commitment go? Show some love don't just say it and don't silence it from your lips toyour child's ears. Be the man you wishyou had known if you didn't have it learn to give it and watch how good youwill feel.

2012-01-28T13:05:00.000-06:00

No one can begin to understand, no one can separate that which is true and pure! I am giving you reasons not options or choices. I can only love you and hold you. Place my heart at your feet without hesitation or reservation. I am weak to your words and powerless to you. Be with those that you can’t live without; not the ones you can live with.

Throughout my day I have you in the front of my thoughts. Everything reminds me of you and I picture you standing at every corner I turn. I am no longer scared I fear nothing because I am sure in a due time, at some point we will be together! No one will understand, but that is alright because we will have each other! I long to embrace you and to caress you…I know you feel it now; I know you imagine my thoughts now. I have kept no secrets from you.

I share with you my open heart and it’s vulnerable, exposed for you. Be gentle and hold it tenderly! Never before have I opened my heart to anyone as I have to you.

A tattoo in my memory

2012-01-24T23:16:00.002-06:00

February 2, 2011, Chicago experienced a massive blizzard. The office was officially closed and I was stuck in my house buried under an enormous amount of snow. After a few fresh brewed cups of coffee, the news of all the chaos the blizzard was causing and fighting the task at hand. I dressed in snow boots, coat, hat and gloves and braved the snow once it seemed to finally stop. All through the night it had snowed and didn't stop until the afternoon or so. Searching for my buried plastic shovel and my Aunt behind me with the kitchen broom, we carved an exit from the front door to the stairs. Off I went, door to door looking to borrow a second shovel to make the grueling task less daunting. I rang like three doorbells at the building two doors down. I wanted that metal wide angled shovel, next to mine it looked like a bulldozer and mine looked like a metal spoon. No luck, no one answered any of my rings and I left that shovel on their stairs. I wasn't going to be labelled a thief if someone saw me walking away with their shovel. I ran across the street after I saw the people finished digging up their car and van. "Hola, me puede prestar su pala", I asked the kid. He handed it right over with nothing else but a nod. Hence the work began of digging the car and clearing the path for pedestrians. It couldn't have been more than 10 minutes that we were out there and this; I must add great looking guy appeared from out of nowhere, "want some help"? Uhm, yeah! As the thoughts of OMG! Thank you Jesus, came to mind. I simply said, "Oh wow yeah, thanks". Can you imagine how fast this task suddenly became? I was tugging at my Aunts coat telling her, Wow, wow, que guapo. Once we were done I couldn't say thank you enough. He said you are welcome and just as fast disappeared. I was still with my jaw dropped and thankful for his assistance. Months passed by and here and there I would see this good looking fella. Maysin is his name, his smile is a ray of sunshine, everytime I see him. It must be that I always go back to him helping this damsel in distress. He showed up in just the precise time. Let's just say I am still very thankful, I have since added him to my list of favorite people. It's almost a year and I still remember like it was just yesterday.

That my friends, is the kind of impact a helping hand can have on a person. A kind gesture, with an added bonus of handsome.

Thirteen invested years and such.

2011-11-10T00:46:00.001-06:00

...so one day I picked up his cell phone strangly it was locked. Confusion with instant eye spy clicks, I broke the lock only to discover my unspoken anxiety. She texted "I hope you liked your donuts" wait a minute he doesn't like pastries. Immediately in shock I walked to the bathroom from our bedroom where he sat in his bath naked and vulnerable. I asked "are you cheating on me"? The loofa he held fell into the water and his eyes bugged out and he says "baby let me explain". I walked by the outlet that had my hair dryer connected and slowly lifted it. Almost lost in anger, confusion and an electrical jolt. I dropped it down,oh no not in his bath, lucky for him. I grabbed my coat and my heart and left our home that day. He paid, she paid for all the pain. Lo deje en puro calzones and I took all that meant something special to him, people I did all in anger. I slapped the dingy lingerie top that dirty little birdy left behind in his face.

Today I laugh when I remember he hide all knifes and possible weapons from me. Today, I stand here enjoying life at poetry readings and comedies and such. I have discovered an amazing new life and happily signed my divorce papers five years ago, and never looked back, but I have forgiven him and her, and hope their love child is Blessed too. Today I am enjoying my new life! Those thirteen invested years did not go to shame, cause he taught me much.

2011-10-20T00:09:00.000-05:00

I was going through my writing and found this one. I don't even remember when I wrote it and I didn't write a date on it. But what I do know is that I don't feel this way anymore. I can remember the pain, I recall the moments. But it has stopped hurting, I am smiling more and someone has made my heart smile again.

When I thought I was fine, some dreaded demons are back. I thought I left the past in the past. But yet they manage to show their ugly little faces. Sleepless nights, nightmares, lost appetite. Yearning to be alone and to think….just remembering…How…? Why….? For what….? Am I not keeping myself busy enough? Aaaaarrrgh! Nights of tossing and turning and anger..

Once in my life I was lost and desperate. I was hurt and torn apart by actions of another. I was regretful for things I had done and things I had said. For months I was lost and scared. Never did I feel so lonely and afraid. Things to me were guaranteed because someone promised me so, I trusted that sole! Because it had been proven to me time and time again. It all fell apart on one Sunday night. I recall it like it was yesterday. What he said….what I said…! My body turned cold and anger boiled my blood. I felt like a monster in a blink of an eye and for a while I was tormented. Was it me, had it been him? Yes so many questions and no one could answer. I felt like I had fallen into a black hole, or hell! Then one day feeling lost and loney, on an Easter Sunday. Out of the blue I heard a service and left all my worries in that one place. Where it went I don’t know and I don’t care. But it was gone and I felt so good! The best I had felt all my life.

Could be almost an end to a beginning...

2011-10-20T00:08:00.003-05:00

Women, hear the voice that tells you to forget your thoughts of murder. That child in your womb has been given to you and you have to reconsider that thought of execution to that life. Why do you feel hopeless, why do you think you are alone? There is someone bigger then you and he is God. He gave you that life and he wants you to teach and nurture that child. Don't be scared, don't fear the unknown. He has the answer, God will prevail. If this child came to you through an unwelcomed and emotionally devastating experience, be not afraid. Because this child is part of bigger plan that you can't begin to comprehend. Nothing I can say to your right now will take that pain away. I don't heal and I have no special powers. But I know the holy spirit once touched my life and I know God is present and real. I know if you seek him for advise and put your trust in him. God will take care of you and that unborn child. Don't destory a creation and the plan that God has for this unborn child. I gasp a breath and shed a tear and pray that you will reconsider this choice you have no right to make. Trust me, one day your child will haunt you and it's a decision that will weigh heavy on your soul. Be submissive and accept this task bestowed to you. Many women will never bear a gift of life, many women could only hope for this gift. You were given the task, and you will never be given tasks you can't handle. Seek him, ask him, talk to him, and he will answer, he is God. Here is 12 weeks of life, this tiny life is growing in your womb, the little hands, a tiny heart, this child is life, reconsider your choice.

Psalm 127:3: "truly children are a GIFT from the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward"

MS has one up on me today...

2011-09-25T19:35:00.000-05:00

Hand me the duck tape or crazy glue. Today I needed a box full of both items. Holding it all together just today was overwhelming and I feel defeated. I am exhausted, the anchor I am dragging around has gotten too much to lug, my body is to much to deal with. Don't mistake my silence or stinky face for attitude against you. Don't read too much into my fake smile I painted so I won't look so angry. But I am feeling defeated and I just have to break down. I developed a habit and sit in my car and just stare out into the street. I feel safety and normal if only for those few minutes I sit in my car. I sit and think about everything and anything. I listen to my music with no one asking me questions. I sigh and cry and then my time is up. I drag my exhausted body out the car like a little old lady. I feel soreness in my legs and my back. Today I am just exhausted and all I want to do is open my eyes and wake up from this bad dream. It has to be a dream a bad one at that. Because what I remember of my self is that I was a go getter. I was always doing something and trying to conquer the world. My schedule was filled with appointments and classes and full days of work. These days the nights blend right into mornings and 12 am and 12 pm are two in the same. I can't sleep like a normal person. I ache like an older folk. I do my best to make light of my situation. This has to be a bad dream. Because I know that the Mercedes I remember, is going to come back. I know she is here, asleep and I have to wake her up. Someone stole my energy and I demand it be returned. Because I can't keep it together anymore, at least not today. I give up, you win today MS.

In a blink of an eye

2011-09-25T01:26:00.000-05:00

Each day I’ve taken for granted, thinking I would wake up the same the next. I went to bed with all my limbs and vision and sense of feeling and seeing in tact. Did you know that when you wake it’s not always going to be that way? In a blink of an eye it can all be gone. Did you stop to admire the birds flying in the air, so gracefully? Or hear the wind blowing at the leaves of the trees creating such a sweet symphony. When you saw your child so warm and gentle stretch out their little hands to you? To hold them and caress them, reassure them you are there? In just a short few days I recognized the beauty of my life. I indulged in the warmth of my family and cried tears of laughter at the same time I cried because of overwhelming feelings. I am glad to be able to recognize all that surrounds me and to be able to see what matters and what is of no importance. All the materials things that I collect hold no value in my life. They are but pretty things that have never filled my voids, when all that matters is my family and my love for God.

One day I woke up with no vision in one little tiny eye, that eye I have taken for granted. Today I sat in the car and looked up at the sky. The sun was setting before my eyes and I was glad I was still able to see it with one of my eyes. So many people never will see that sun. So funny, I found a book of a man who was born blind and it pulled at me to buy it. I guess you can say I am stuck in the middle of both sides. One moment I can sit in total darkness and only hear what is around me. I can open my right eye and see it quit clear. Don’t take anything in life for granted. Enjoy the simple things in life and love those around you as if it was the last time you get to see them.

Just a few days ago, I was in a car accident. I saw the terror in the face of the person that hit our car. He crossed the lanes of the highway after he had pulled off to the side. I was in shock for a bit. I didn’t realize who or what hit us. It was just a car and we were all okay. Only my mom was spooked and her blood pressure went up. It all happened so fast and it could have been much worst. The car will get fixed and so will the other drivers. We all got to go home to our loved ones and no one lost a life. That is what mattered! God has been with us through all that! All I can say is that I am humbly grateful for his hand in my life and the life of my loved ones. If he wants me to live life with one eye, well I am going to make the best of it.

(This was actually written August 21, 2010. I am not sure why I didn't post it in my blog.)

Glass box

2011-09-24T16:21:00.001-05:00

I came across a glass box with dust and webs. The glass was dull, playced on a worn pedastal surrounded with boxes, posters, bags and junk. This room was filled with albums and boxes of someones old memories. Pictures of the past, a huffy purple and blue bike with a grown man riding it. A red 1977 Chevy Impala in different angles with shiny rims. Pictures of many seasons past with a family and apple picking at different orchards. Trips to the park, bike riding in the city. Cookouts during the evening nights by the fire. An entire note book of love stories written back and forth to each other, a couple. So many greetings cards from different occasions were collected and carefully saved tied up with a red ribbon. I recognized the ribbon from a picture I saw of a bride and groom coming out of a huge beautiful cathedral church in some remote and spectacular place in Mexico. That ribbon held the brides bouquet of vibrant colored gerber daisies. A collection of paint chips and spray cans and cutouts of magazine decorated rooms. Painting were hung on the wall in this room. Posters rolled up and piled on top a crackled finished old cabinet. A collection of model cars, some missing parts put still encased in their protective acrylic boxes. Bags of clothing and a mans belongings, a collection of baseball caps from the GAP. Boxes were sealed and labeled HIS and HERS, Donations, and such. After digging in the open boxes and into this past. My attention was back at the glass box. I heard a thumping, thump thump, thump thump. I saw it's bright beautiful red gleam, somewhat. The dust dulled it's glow and it just needed a clean. I was surprise, to see it was a heart. It was beautiful and alone in this room filled of memories and dust, all alone. It was my heart, I forgot I had locked it up and kept it away from all who tried to get close. I put it up and forgot all about it. Sometimes I felt it and heard it's thump. But I forgot what it was like to share it with someone. It was bruised and it needed to heal, I put it away and locked it up. Along with all the old memories of a once happy time in my life that now seems like a story I read a long time ago. I don't know how much of it was real and made up. Those story lines are blurred and my heart has been sealed.

Detox

2011-09-21T01:04:00.001-05:00

It's been five hard months of detox. It's hard and at times I question if I am right or was I wrong. Don't misunderstand my detox. Don't confuse it for a substance. My addiction was one I think people find themselves in without realizing many times. This month has been challenging but I have done the good vs bad list. Bad still is longer and I can't question that. One more month and I am at six. Then November will come and it will mark an anniversary, that no longer can be counted. It will be an "it would of been". Here is to the possible loss of sleep and to the depression I still deny. To the feelings of helplessness, of anger. It's a good thing I don't have an addictive personality. Otherwise I would really be in trouble. Maybe 2012 will mark the true finish or new beginning and I can put this addiction to rest, finally, maybe.

My Fathers Memories

2011-06-17T10:15:00.002-05:00

So I am watching GMA and everyone is sharing their memories with their fathers. There is not much I can say about my Father. Except that he makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a Saint. He fathered a dozen or so kids, except he never paid child support. I nicknamed my father a rolling stone; because he just rolled through life and left his past behind him. I can only recall two letters written by him to us, his daughters and wife by hand. I also can only recall a handful of conversations that never lasted more than five minutes over the phone. The ultimate memory was only 5 or so years ago. I flew to Texas with the intentions of seeing him, but without any set plans, and on the day I arrived he called me unexpectedly. Was it meant to be? I like to think so. So we met that same night at a Starbucks in Houston and had a conversation for about one and a half hours. Seeing him for the first time just confirmed he was my father. I looked everything like him. He didn’t have much else to share about his past. I have had a better conversation at the checkout line at Target with the cashiers. It’s nothing I imagined it would be as child. I thought he would take me in his arms and tell me he loved me. That he would say he was sorry he wasn’t there for me all this time and that he knew how much I needed him. At least I know my childish thoughts were just that. I remember in our short meeting he had a hard time keeping eye contact and he had a hard time recalling what he did as a kid or in the years we heard nothing about him. But life has moved forward without him in my life and I like to believe that I came out unscathed. I believe that I have forgiven him for his absence in my life. I only hope that if there are adults who have lived their lives without their fathers will choose to be in their own children’s lives. I just don’t know why or how you wouldn’t. I have seen four wonderful young men in my life grow up and have seen each of their accomplishments and I would not give that up for anything or anyone in the world. Why would my father or any of your parents give it up? Why would you?

So Happy Father’s Day to those who have chosen to be in your childs life. If you are not currently, make that effort and stay in your child’s life. Nothing else should matter!

It's gone sour!

2010-12-09T11:12:00.005-06:00

I lost a part of me that somehow, now I don’t know how or why it made me happy. I put so much energy into something that hurt me so much. I opened my heart in a time when it was premature to do. I dreamt up hopes and believed in someone who I thought heard the inner voice in my heart telling him how much he could accomplish. But to him it was but a mere whisper and it never made it past that. We were just two different worlds that collided momentarily for a brief affair that held on past its expiration date, both hoping to reconnect like the first few weeks, when the two comets crashed into one another. Enjoying the fireworks and just as fast the lights were out. Whatever did make us connect? When once his very touch and smile melted me away into a mushy little school girl. He took away my hurt and made me feel that all would be alright. Now my body has grown ice cold, his touch is unwelcomed and his smile no longer lights my life. That expiration date is like that gallon of milk that is sour, chunky with curds and ready to dispose. But my investment hurts and it’s been difficult to throw away, knowing full well that it will never be good again. That has made me angry…..

Untitled

2010-11-18T12:24:00.007-06:00

Are you able to erase the lies, fix the errors? Let me close my eyes and when I open them I can only hope they will be happy again.

This broken vase you put those sorry flowers in, has parts that will never be the same, undo the damage; when you do, I will trust you once again.

Sadly,things will never be the same, all the damage you have caused will never be undone.

I allowed you in my heart and you came in and tore it up. You said to trust you but you didn't know the meaning of it.

Just go back where you came from with your charming ways and find another who will take your lies and cheating ways, because I am done with you.

You preached you’d never hurt me, and turned around and broke your promise.

You lied to me and God, when your lips said until death do us part at the alter on our wedding day.

It really slipped your mind the day you laid in our bed with that other woman and forgot to put the condom on.

Sadly,things will never be the same, all the damage you have caused will never be undone.

You broke so many promises, to me and your faithful dog.

He waited on you for many months, each time the door opened he looked for you and you left him too.

It only shows what value your words held. I had good reason to kick you to the curb.

When you think you love someone, don't forget all the damage you did, because it comes back twice fold; and when I hear down the road how miserable your life turned out.

I will just remember all the hurt you caused and keep on looking forward.

You just didn't know what you lost and I know you regret what you left behind.

Sadly,things will never be the same, all the damage you have caused will never be undone. I had good reason to kick you to the curb.

I'll pray for you

2010-08-05T07:01:00.000-05:00

When someone turns their back from you, it’s not your fault. There is something missing in their own hearts that is not allowing them to feel the same way for you. All one can do is pray for them and hope that they find themselves. That in their lifetimes their decisions become the foundation of their lives and helps make them better people.

I’ll pray for you and know you are in my heart.

Restore me...Father...

2010-06-18T11:00:00.001-05:00

I thought I’d met my mister right, but realized I fell in love with thoughts that were only mine. I hoped he would become that one that I just knew I needed, that he would be the one that he said he knew he could be. He made attempts to change, but nothing was enough. My love for him blew out now it has left a lingering void. I thought I picked this time just right. ……… I guess I didn’t listen hard enough and just waited too long before I pull my heart back. I reminisce his words, they sounded so convincing. Yet his actions contradicted all he said and did. He swore he wouldn’t hurt me, and more then once he stabbed my heart and yet I lingered on. Just hoping that maybe he would be the one. All I can do is pick up my little shattered pieces and lay it on the Lords feet for him to just restore it all. I pray that little one finds himself and makes a clean start. Right know his path continues to be lost.

Exquisite Dessert

2010-06-14T14:16:00.001-05:00

Even after a long gap of communication with him, he manages to get me all clumsy and silly. It’s like the drop of the rollercoaster feeling; and it feels so good. That slight touch through conversation or that sudden bump at the checkout counter. I love to just admiring his beauty and elegance of a fine tuned man of a man that he is. Always being the gentleman that you can’t help but feel safe with. He is the exquisite dessert that you know you should only have on special occasion, which is what makes him so desirable and delicious to be with.

Some of the old stuff!

2009-02-17T17:07:00.003-06:00

I was thinking of removing some of my old stuff I had written in the past. But what I write is a part of who I am. So even though it was a bit racey I plan on keeping up. It's like my road of change and new found wisdom. If you have the time to read everything, ignoring my horrible errors. You may just see the growth. Or just think of it as a little bit of everything for you readers!

Have fun reading

Thanks Dad!

2009-02-15T14:23:00.006-06:00

Dad,
I know you brought a certain people into my life. I know you don't plan on taking them away without a purpose. You know I have discovered so much of myself in the last few days. I think it was in desperation to hold on to that person in my life. I keep saying you put him here for a reason. You don't do things just because. You have left that for us to do. Because we make mistakes and some bigs ones at that. I asked you to be there for me yesterday. I needed you and your support. Thanks for your help. You know too well how I have been unable to open my mouth to express my thoughts and I guess you gave me the gift of gab on paper. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found my savior. To find that one individual in my life that will always be there. A true supporter and my creator. Dad, forgive me for falling and at times neglecting you in my life. But I am excited to know for a fact you will be by my side always. That is my thanks and acknowledgement to you. I love you...

So that brings me to the purpose of this letter. I never knew I could fall in love as I have. I always wanted and I was super scared. But this man you sent me has managed to help me open my emotions and talk. I can't believe how excited I feel. I trust your judgement and I am looking for your guidance. Always give me the right words and the correct motions to express at all the right times. I know how to ruin it but I need you to show me how to hold on to it and how to make it grow in all your ways. I read the line today in church, "Do everything in the glory of God." I want to be a better child. Please help me... I'll be talking to you more frequent and I will listen for your words.

Your impatient daughter... <3

From one impatient child to her father

2009-02-11T15:02:00.005-06:00

Dad,
I want to believe that there is more to life then material wants. That a person desires more out of life than the next door neighbors new toy. That one day in my life I will look up and know that I have lived my life as it was written for me by you in the book.

I don’t cheat because I’m afraid of karma. I don’t steal because I am afraid of that kind of consequence. I succeed more then fail to keep love in my heart and hatred out, so that you see I’m a good child and that you will bless me with your gifts. At times I get lost and become confused. I imagine it’s the same feelings that a child must feel when lost from his/her parents in a mall. I know, i've been lost from my mom before! My only comfort comes from my father, that's you.

I know you created my soul mate. I don’t want to miss out on the day you present him to me. So I pray that you keep my eyes closed and open my ears and my heart.

But God, if my soul mate is already with me? I need you to verify that like now, put it in writing so that I truly understand. Or send me a message!

P.S. I love you

Please tell him...

2009-01-14T09:42:00.003-06:00

...tell him that I can’t stop thinking of him! That life just has no color, i'm living in a black and white movie. Each day I think of what silly thing he would do to make me giggle. Tell him I had to push him and hope he comes back one day. Tell him I did it because I love him to no end. That I don’t feel him gone and I hope my feelings are right. Tell him I desperately want to reach out and call him and hear his voice. That each night I look at my phone for signs of life, because I love him and miss him. Tell him life doesn’t make sense to me anymore because he is absent. That I wish him the best and hope he finds his way back home to me one day.

2009-01-06T12:49:00.004-06:00

"They called me again” he says. Each time he shared that with me, it made me smile. Never really felt that day would come. But this last time again he said “they called me again”. All I could do was cry. My words were saying something and my tears showed a conflicting emotion. I think it’s getting closer, he is going to leave.

Goodbye my friend, I will miss having you around. Each day you made my trip worthwhile. Knowing you were only a few steps away made this place bearable. But what will I do once you are gone. Sure there is texts, and email. But seeing you each day, will be gone. Know I will miss our longs walks, our conversations, your words of encouragement. I have come to love you and your presence in my life.

Thank you…..

Bike the Drive - 2007 and 2008

2008-05-30T09:55:00.009-05:00

I initially wanted to share the pictures from bike the drive. Last year was the first time the family took on this ride. It was Angie and her boys, a friend Caty and Bruce, and myself. I don't think I had been riding much in 2007. Well actually no, I was in no physical condition to be riding so many miles on a short time. But for the sake of the boys and for some family time we all went along. It was a good ride, this day was more for the boys to experience something new and fun and different.

I do remember my personal ride. I started off very confident as I do almost anything. But then I realized I was in no condition to be riding or racing. I was getting tired and the bike just seemed like lead to me. My legs and knees hurt and my heart and head were pounding. I do recall we took a few breaks through the ride. We found the Peace Garden right before the Montrose Exit and stopped there to rest and drink some water. It was a pretty little garden with a waterfall. It made for a great picture spot. So the picture to the right is the small group back in 2007. It was fun and great and exciting! This was truly a repeat event.

My sister kept reminding me about 2008 Bike the Drive. Were we registered and ready to go? The boys had been waiting for this day to come along and I wasn't the one that was going to dissapoint. The day was a very warm and sunny day for us. Good thing, since Chicago weather is never consistent. This year Bruce didn't make it to the ride with us. Caty and I drove in together and Angie met us at the parking lot with the boys. We started off with a great breakfast of tamales, coffee, and sodas. Nothing better then piling up that artificial sugar and fats. The ride was the best! The boys a bit bigger had a blast and rode their little hearts out. Nicholas struggled a bit since he streched and now his bike is a wee bit to small for him. But he didn't let that damper his spirits. At some point I just kind took off on my own and kept on riding. This time I was not tired or ready to pass out. So I was a speed racer on two wheels. So we all rode and we just had to make our stop at the Peace Garden again and we took some shots there. Check them out..

This year we rode to the very end and turned around. But by the time we came back we had to get off on Montrose because Lake Shore was about to reopen for cars and we had to make our journey back on the Lake Front bike path. It was just as nice and we were all in no hurry to get back. We took a break near Oak Street beach and waited for a new rider to join us. Isaiah, who was suppose to join us in the morning had made his way to the group after all. He rode his bike from Chicago and Milwaukee to spend time with us and experience bike the drive as well. I guess the best part was just hanging out this year and goofying around with the group. So far this summer of 2008 has kick started with a positive twist.

JP Morgan 5K - My own thoughts and experience!

2008-05-29T14:17:00.012-05:00

Just a few thoughts on my experience from the last two races I did.

I had to stop and think about all the changes in my life like in the past 2 years. I was looking through my pictures and well, here are just a few pictures I wanted to share along with some information on what you see. The picture to the left was from the JP Morgan Chase 5K Run in 2007. For me it was more like the 5K Walk Huff and Puff. I agreed to participate with my sister back then because I just wanted to do something different. I thought it would be easy to do a short distance run. I was excited and ready to do my run and just filled with the positive attitude of all the runners. So the count down began and I took off. Along with a few other thousand runners. It felt like I was running fast but I saw people just passing me up. I felt my heart racing and my legs got heavier. I wanted to run and keep on running. I ended up doing a short sprint and walking the rest of the way. Point is it took me 59:00 minutes to make it to the 3 mile mark. Well that was my first 5K experience. It was a great walk that day, I can't tell you when my motivation to start working out happened but it did eventually. It really wasn't before this run.

Now 2008 came along and I agreed to participate in the JP Morgan 5K again. This time I had been working out a bit more often from July 2007 to the present. I had a bet with my friend and we agreed that I was to complete my 3 miles in 30 minutes. Compared to last years time that was a real challenge. To be sincere, right from the get go I didn't think the time was going to happen. I had fallen from my consisten workout routine and I had been running on the treadmill on and off. My time was crappy and well I just got bored of it. But thanks to Isaiah, I made it to the gym. If he didn't come pick me up I don't think I would be in the gym...

Okay okay so race day came and this time Angie had to leave so she couldn't particpate in the race with me. But Isaiah had his schedule cleared and agreed to come and run after he had already worked out at the gym. He came to support me and help me make the finish line. The 2008 day was cold and just ugly. I really just wanted to give up and call my friend to set the date to pay him the bet. But we toughed it out. Oh did I mention I had forgotten my running shoes that morning and thanks to my Buddy Caty; she brought them for me. Or my run would have really been cancelled.

We are now on the starting line and the count down begins, I had a quick warm up, my ipod was playing some funky DJ BamBam beats and I was still not feeling a bit of confidence about the race. Isaiah was right next to me. And we are off....... runners moving along the initial crowded space, people started to pass me up and Isaiah took off like a wolf chasing a rabbit. Damn I was doing my best to keep up. I kept at it and at some point I saw him waiting for me and cheering me on to keep up. This time around I just stayed at a steady pace and ran along concentrating on the music and the people around me. Trying to forget that my legs suddenly got heavy and my arms for some reason started to ache. I kept on, one leg in front of the other. I was chanting some silly song about light as a feather.....blah blah... Somewhere under Wacker Drive, I held out my hand and felt like I was going to pass out. I felt dizzy, lke the ground was moving under my feet. Hahaha funny thing it was moving under my feet. The bridge was bouncing from all the runners passing through. Wow that was a close call....and Isaiah confirmed it wasn't me. Still maintaining my steady pace I made it to back to Columbus and close to Congress. Once you loop around Congress, it marks the 3 miles completed. I had no idea what my time would be and I didn't want to look at the clock on my Ipod. My goodness that was the hardest, because Congress is like a hill so my run just got harder in that area. I was really concentrating on my run and not stopping. Isaiah still kept his distance and cheered me on. I looked for the 3 mile clock but didn't see it. I swore it was around here last year. Oh oh..there it is...the clock read 34:26...........Yes...yes...it wasn't the time I agreed with Tony but it was way faster than last year. I broke into tears literally as I passed that clock. Funny thing in my ears, Marcos Witt was singing "Dios a sido bueno". I was shocked I did it. I actually passed that clock running this time. Typing this brought tears to my eyes, going back through that moment. It made me realize that maybe just maybe there are a few other runners today going through the same. It was victory for me! Hopefully it was a victory for others too.

Lakefront Run

2007-11-19T11:26:00.001-06:00

After a very close 6 mile run, I felt my legs like jello, I felt pain on my gluts, pain in my back, throbbing on my thighs and calves. I wanted to stop, I wanted to quit. I know I could do the 3 miles but 6 "you're joking right"? He just smiled and pushed on. He made it so simple and talked me through it all the way. "Proper form, pick up those legs, straighten the back and suck the belly button" he told me. In the process while he ran back and forth. The weather was pleasantly chilly yet he came out in pants and tank top.. Mira Que Loco...were my thoughts but those are his words..
Needless to say I finished my run and he still kept on going...Okay I pretty much walked and jogged and walked after Belmont and we still had to get to Recreation Dr. Boy that was hard cosidering we went all the way to North Avenue... No pain no gain...Feel the burn...he shouted out as he ran past me....There are no quitters on my clock so you can't quit and I won't let you.....That is the push I needed. He said, "he had no doubt in his mind I could do it". Now that is what I call motivation with some great eye candy.
I continue to be inspired!
Thanks Izzy

I looked down and my heart is smiling...

2007-11-19T11:17:00.001-06:00

I was going through my writings and found this one! I don't even recall when I wrote it and I didn't write a date on it. But what I do know is that I don't feel this way anymore. I can remember the pain, I recall the moments. But it has stopped hurting, I am smiling more and someone has made my heart smile again.

When I thought I was fine, some dreaded demons are back. I thought I left the past in the past. But yet they manage to show their little ugly faces. Sleepless nights, nightmares, lost appetite. Yearning to be alone and to think….just remembering…How...? Why….? For what….? Am I not keeping myself busy enough? Aaaaarrrgh! Nights of tossing and turning and anger...

For a moment in my life I was lost and desperate. I was hurt and torn apart by actions of another. I was regretful for things I had done and things I had said. For months I was lost and scared. Never did I feel so lonely and afraid. Things to me were guaranteed because someone promised me so, I trusted that sole and the promises! Because it had been proven to me time and time again. It all fell apart one Sunday night. I recall it like it was yesterday. What he said….what I said…! My body turned cold and anger boiled my blood. I felt like a monster in a blink of an eye and for a while I was tormented. Was it me, had it been him? Yes so many questions and no one could answer. I felt like I had fallen into a black hole, or hell! Then one day feeling lost and loney, on an Easter Sunday. Out of the blue I heard a service and left all my worries at Gods feet. Where it went I don’t know, I don’t care. But it was gone and I felt so good! The best I had felt in such a long time.

Pleasant Walking

2007-11-09T12:57:00.000-06:00

My morning walk, blah blah blah we chatted along. How he was going to get into a fight because of some stupid high schooler and how his shopping went. I chatted about my 3 mile run, school and the Hotel in Argentina I am about to embark in. Totally not interesting to you the reader, I know but. Then coming down the hall by the now closed Alonti in our building. These massive muscles, if you haven't figured it out by now, gggggrrrrr they drive me crazy.... He was like a Hercules in jeans and a s-medium shirt. Nice crisp jeans and his hair in a short mohawk. He had white skin and his jawline line curved like the roads in Europe. WOW Jaw dropping, I stopped breathing and I couldn't take my eyes off....I wanted to push my walking partner to the side and tell him to act like he didn't know me.

I search for mister muscles eyes but he passed me by and my friend was on his side.... I was breathless, he made my heart skip a beat. Damn he was HOTTT! So my day is full of him on my mind.... I think my mouth was open for a while before I regained my composure... I must admit my walking partner looks just as good okay better, only he doesn't wear the s-medium shirts..... It was a little treat to see that man....
We contiued on our walk..and he goes on about his encounter with that pain in the butt kid. I listened and took myself to a whole personal moment. Inhaling his scent as I saw his lips just moving up and down, and his hands moved around, making those tight arms talk to me, describing the moment in question. I know he said something about some clothes not fitting him at JCrew and all I could picture was taking it off! Buttons flying all over the place and cotton tearing .....as I continued to stare at him and trying to listen intently.....(I felt a temperature rise.).... That Mr. Muscles had nothing on him.....(please change the drool bowl now!)
Girls....there is so much to look at out there! Enjoy the eye candy...............aaaaahhhh

Assignment To the Ladies...

2007-11-07T18:14:00.000-06:00

Okay ladies, here is our chance to get our thoughts together and write about something pretty fun. All our heart breaks, ups and downs, the dating horror stories we share in the dating arena! This call goes out to the married women or coupled ones. I know you too have stories to share...We can omit names for the sake of protecting those innocent and so forth... We aren't looking to bash anyone, just share and compare and laugh at the end of the day. Remember that with laughter we loose calories...So start grabbing your pens, pencils, or MAC's and PC's and start brain storming!

El Guitarista

2007-11-07T16:21:00.000-06:00

With each stroke a sound of love would ring…stroke after stroke you could see the love pouring out, you could hear it‘s just as well. He dressed in jeans, a shirt that exhibited his long hours in the gym and careful measuring of foods. He is beautiful. He has a smile so sweet and the energy of youth and naive ness. His age doesn’t describe the lesson of life he has endured. I am captivated and curious to know more of this certain someone. It was awesome seeing him jamming to that guitar……All through the concert hall you heard his sounds….. and those muscles that shaped on his arms after each chord…He took the spotlight of the artist in concert. Don’t ask me the name of the artist, because I only saw the one on the guitar. He was music to my soul! I had the pleasure to hear the music all to myself….and it further confirmed his talents and love of his tune...Anxiously waiting more...

The Kiss

2007-10-30T10:44:00.000-05:00

To dream I feel the satin of your skin, leaves me breathless.

I want to touch your lips, with mine own lips.
I crave to run my fingers all over.

You evoke my temperature to raise to extreme heats.

Damn you! I stand before you willing and waiting
Reach out and hold me, grab me and kiss me.
I am dying standing at this spot, wishing for you.

Hold me and place me in your arms.
I want to feel your strength; I want to get lost in the comfort of your touch.

I want to get lost in the abyss of your lips and tongue.

Will you kiss me now?

Feo, Me Gustas!

2007-10-27T21:35:00.000-05:00

Oye Feo, me gustas. Your moodiness it tickles me.

I fumble with my words, when I am with you.

I get all giddy and confused. I don't know what to do.

It's quite childish I think, but you make me smile.

How to end a fairy tale!

2007-10-19T13:47:00.000-05:00

I see you and I find sunshine behind your smile.
I get all giddy and hear little cartoon birds chirp and butterflies fluttering in my head.

You provoke so many emotions that I just never knew I had or felt.
You inspire me to be a better person to keep going.
What have you done? You've cast a spell and I want it broken.

My day begins with a walk through building halls with you next to me.
A stop for coffee and a lecture of what to do to improve my next goal I set for myself.
You make me want to keep going and growing.

You are my magician, my genie, my muse.
Everything with you is effortless, so simple.

No kissing or falling in love, because that always ends a fairy tale.

It's just safer that way!

2007-10-16T13:27:00.000-05:00

If I fell in love, connected to the wrong person. Will you help me out? I need help get me out, grab me . I don't know how to stop? I want more of him, each day it's harder to pull away. Will you be my shoulder when I finally cry my river? Shake me into reality that it's not for me! I am afraid of letting go. My nails have dug deep and the only way I will let go is if you pry me.

He told me to let things develop, it was all suggestions! Damn it and I did only with him. All his relationship suggestions I have put to him. But i knew it would be this way! I am holding my breath about to pass out. Because I have made an ass out of myself. Serves me right I guess....

I saw him today and I wanted to hug him, I wanted to groom him. I pulled a pomegranate apart, at work for him. I find my energy from his smile. Arrgh

Set me free

2007-10-15T08:09:00.000-05:00

I want to cry an ocean worth of tears but my eyes are dry
I want to scream to the high heavens but my voice is shot to shit

I run as fast as I can only to discover I have not moved an inch
I am trapped in a capsule let me out, break me free

You standing there, you reading this don’t you have the key?
Check your pockets, check your heart?

Help me out, rescue me

Guilty Pleasures

2007-10-14T21:02:00.000-05:00

So many guilty pleasures to name so many to be shamed
He is my guilty pleasure I am not proud
He woos and soothes me like no other

I feel my body has morphed into a magnet
Waiting for a moment to come together
Reflections reveal truth, what words are still afraid to speak
Invisible lines are blurred
Mirrors around us, glass buildings hold secrets of my desires

He is my guilty pleasure, I fill of him and I am insatiable
I want more; I thirst for him, his sweetness
I can’t hold much longer I want to sink my teeth into him
Savor his strength between my thighs and have the world disappear for a moment
That guilty pleasure only he has been able to provoke
No one measures up to him, no one can begin to understand
It’s complicated this is true and nothing can take away the guilt and the pleasures only he has been able to stir

I am not his Princess anymore

2007-10-14T20:38:00.000-05:00

I realized I wasn't his Princess anymore. I was accustomed to getting my way. I was used to being catered to. Life was great and it was shaken. Someone else came and took that away. I was kicked to the curb, with nothing but my feelings, confusion and a slightly broken heart.

My throne was taken over, I am not his princess anymore. My smile used to move him, my touch used to melt him.

Life isn't so bad after all! I learned I wasn't perfect anymore. Wow!

I AM NO LONGER HIS PRINCESS....but that's been alright with me...

Honey Do

2007-10-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

If you love me Honey do...
Change the oil in the car, the engine is rattling
Fix the doors in the bathroom and the kitchen, they are falling

If you love me Honey do..
Hang the frames that have been waiting on the floor since I moved into the apt.
Walk the dog and check him cause I think some guests claimed space in his fur
Pick me up and keep me company

If you love me Honey do.........this, honey do that,

Honey are you brave enough to hang around for the rest?

Honey do this, honey do that!

Congratulations

2007-09-27T16:24:00.001-05:00

I’ve known you but a short time,
I spoke to you but a few words
Yet I feel like I have lost you twice
I lost you back in May and
I’ve lost you once again today!

This is why not!

2007-09-27T10:38:00.001-05:00

No because he make me nervous
No because he isn’t tall enough
No because he is too hairy
No because he was too late

Not him because I am not ready
Not him because he has no job
Not him because he is too smart

Never him because he’s too aggressive
Never him because he’s just plain boring

No because I don’t know what I want
No because I don’t know what I need

No because I am just plain scared!

Splendid Night....

2007-09-26T12:02:00.001-05:00

I saw them in a picture two people so in love, I stared at them and saw how happy they looked. Each time I saw them I wondered what it would be like to be them. He held her tight but with tenderness, had his arm wrapped around her. She touched him, placed her hand on his chest. Observing them and those smiles could make anyone jealous….Man what it would be like to be them, so much in love!Then a big grin grew on my face as I remembered that wonderful night. It was so much fun…. I felt so safe so happy and so amazed…. I was her, I caressed his face and kissed his lips. We were that couple that night… We whispered secrets to each other while we danced the night away….and swayed to Barry White…… What a splendid night………..

Tormented Soul

2007-09-26T11:53:00.001-05:00

The lines curve ever so tightly to accentuate the tight chiseled jaw line that was graced to him. The black and white speckles start to appear like a carpet that gives his face a dignified distinguished appearance. His lips so full of color and perfectly lined, just waiting to be touched, caressed with such tenderness. The lines that have formed on his face, each one telling a story of happiness and sadness. Each open forms every time he smiles or frowns. He carries himself with such distinction many either love him or hate him. But when you hear his voice, something a picture can’t share. He speaks with such a voice that soothes your every nerve. If you are feeling blue he clears the clouds that torment and brings the sun. Little does he realize his gift to help his friends in need. But it’s something only he shows those that allow themselves to get close enough to see his inner beauty. Hiding under all that beauty is a tormented soul. He helps those with tears but allow no one to help him.

His red bike

2007-09-26T11:45:00.001-05:00

I heard the rumbling outside and I peeked out the window, sure enough it was him. He is sitting on that red colored toy that he so much loves. Today was my day to sit on the back with me legs wrapped close to him. For my arms to hold on to him, the best reason to hug him. I get all prepped up and climb aboard anxiously, sitting and waiting for him to adjust and go. I think that on purpose he jerks on the bike but it gives me more reason to hold super tight. As we ascend, on our journey I feel my wings spread right next to his. He’s a free bird, this I already know. He may never be mine, but the little time I get to hold him it’s perfectly fine. I run my hand on his back and feel his muscles retract. It might be that he likes it or I just catch him by surprise, as he goes faster and faster, I get a feeling to let go. I quickly regain my thoughts and out of my head not to literally do it! With every turn both our bodies sway in unison. Each time he turns it makes me think how it would be in bed? But that’s just not me, well unless! Well that will be a story for some other day. As we passed Lakeshore Drive, I rest my chin on his back and peek through his rear view mirror and gaze at his beauty. I wonder what he is thinking. Just to get a conversation going is a challenge. He doesn’t need to talk just holding him I feel my blood rush to my head and the heat starts to rise. I sit and wonder if my touch does the same to his blood. I recall it did once, but that too is for another day! It’s easy to convince him to take the long road home. What other reason for this eagle to fly. Only I get to go along for the ride. Always so careful so that he wants to invite me again. Damn we reached the Cultural Center, this only means my ride is close to over. When will I get to ride again? I feel a moment of pouting, but that doesn’t work. All I get is that silly smile teasing me with desires, I just can’t explain, Ouch there’s a bump, I hold on a bit tighter and squeeze harder, wouldn’t want to fall off! Its getting hot and just reminiscing my ride has my blood rushing again.

Blizzard..

2007-09-26T11:27:00.001-05:00

In the middle of a blizzard I fell to the ground and cried. My tears froze on my face and I didn't care. I didn't feel anything anymore. I just wanted to sit and cry it all out. Of all places, in the middle of a storm. I guess it was just as well my life felt like the weather. All I felt was numbness and emptiness. Nothing felt good anymore! My food was bitter, the flowers and trees were dead under the snow. The birds were gone far away from the cold, only the ugly pigeons stayed and they annoyed me and I wanted them to be gone to. The cars exhaust was intoxicating and stomach turning. I wanted to get away from it all and escape. But I didn't know how and I didn't know what to do! I figure one day it will come to me and hopefully I have not frozen by then. I still fill a glimmer of light in my heart and maybe one day it reignite like the phoenix, maybe.

La Bella Luna

2007-09-26T11:25:00.001-05:00

Let me setup the image in your mind. Do you recall watching the kids sing along videos? A little bouncing ball guides your eyes to follow along!
Last night as I left my class, I saw this huge full moon. It was beautiful, and all the way home it bounced around touching the buildings, the trees, and hiding behind the light posts and large signs. It hide behind the large downtown buildings. The moon was playing hide and go seek with me and at the same time it was guiding me home. I was listening to Anything Box, the mood, the music the lighting was just right! I was sad when I got home because the mood came to a screeching hault. I turned the car off and the music stopped and I was back to reality. The Bella Luna hid behind my building and the last I heard was the door of my car close behind me......beep beep went my car alarm. So here I am ready for bed, turned the lights off, put on Alejandro Sanz, I wrapped myself up in my down comforter and glanced at the window. There it was again the moon in full view! Just as gorgeous as ever, peeking in my window! I layed there and watched it move ever so slowly away from my window. I never saw when it was gone, it cradled me to sleep!

May St. Cafe - 4 J.O.

2007-09-26T11:23:00.000-05:00

I had the greatest night. I found someone from my past and had dinner together. I was too excited to wait for a few more days and I insisted on Friday, couldn't have been more perfect. The steak was tender and juicy and fun to watch being devoured, my salmon was tangy and delicious....The wine was sweet and soft, it felt great when it was on my tongue and as it slowly went down....I could taste the flavors... I had the perfect bottle in mind when I knew I was going to May St. Cafe. The walk on the lake front was beautiful. I finally saw those globes in honor of preserving our environment. Many talented artists, I sure hope they get recognized. As we walked I thought about another place I think he would enjoy walking around at! Hint hint... It's unbelievable how much we both have grown.
I realized I don't know much about him, when we met, we were just kids. It's quite funny and a tad embarrasing I think to both of us to recollect. I like to think of it as something left undone, our friendship. But there is more to him I want to learn about. He was quite interesting to talk to and very easy on the eyes.
One of the many little memories were the stolen kisses in the back of the girls barracks back that summer we met. One stupid movie we went to see at ROTC Bootcamp, wish I could remember what we saw! The mellow yellow and a hot bus, sending me to the infirmary. Our ride back home on the bus .
Maybe once he gets everything sorted out, can we get a chance to get to know each other a bit more. I totally understand his situation, we share a similar one. God is watching over me and he knew what he wanted. I am in a path to discovering what it is he has for me. But in the mean time I am enjoying meeting people, making new friends. Helping people out in need! I am an Admin Coordinator by day and Super Heroe by night... (another inside joke for another reader. If you read this I hope it made you laugh.)
My lost friend if you read this, I really hope the end result is what is best for you and yours. Everyone deserves to be happy. When ever you need some distraction, fun, company or someone just to talk and unwind. Just pick up the phone and call. That is what friends are for. Thanks for responding to my silly friend request! Spending those few hours together, and talking, I found some serious energy after hearing you! Thanks
For eveyone else, enjoy life!

My Morning

2007-09-26T11:22:00.001-05:00

I got up this morning and hit the snooze one too many times. Damn it's 7:46 am and I missed two trains already. I quickly ran into the shower, got dressed let the dog out, flew out of my place. Got in my car and Depeche Mode was playing. Hum, not in the mood for this...Instead I loaded my cd with Bebe... Well if I fly I can make it to work before my boss gets in and notices I am late. Wow it has to be a holiday because no cars were out, it being a Friday and all! There I am minding my own business on the road when this Mercedes Benz passes me by. Man what a beauty, and damn what a pretty face driving it. So I try to be a nice neighbor and smile at the driver... He winks back....oh my goodness I felt like a school girl! Gosh, wow! He winked at me...he speeds up a bit and I don't want to stay behind.. so there I go...Like my car can even compete with that Benz.. Little does he know I am a Mercedes.... So for what seemed like a minute we continue to drive close then speed off and turn at each other and smile.... I read his lips and he said "Good Morning,"....aaahhh....Well here we are passing the home of the Bears.... it's getting a bit more crowded on the road and we get stuck in different spots... Damn it... ooooh I see a chance to get close again.... Last I read from his lips... "Thanks for the Ride Beautiful"....Then he was gone...!Beep beep beep beep... I hear from a distance....Damn it's 6:00 am and its time to get up......so I woke up got dressed and left... I drove to work and I anxiously looked for a Mercedes on the road... nothing... it was a plain boring morning... but Bebe was definately playing this morning....and I smiled all the way to work... Just thinking!

Page 1 of a Novela

2007-09-26T11:20:00.000-05:00

The plane from Peru landed eight hours late. Sophia was exhausted, she couldn't stop thinking about all the children she left behind. All the families that need help and she couldn't do much for them from there. ...
She took the first flight from New York when she heard of the earthquake. Packed a few things for herself but what she carried in her luggages was little clothes she knew others could use out there. When she arrived it was chaos, people were running the streets. Woman crying, clutching to their surviving children, they all looked afraid and lost. Their men looked as afraid, some were on their knees screaming to the high heavens "why us God"? The homes were nothing but rubble and piles of rocks now! Sophia was taking all her information so she could take it back and get help.
She picked up her bags, exhausted and tired! She forgot to reserve a car to pick her up. Luckily she had spoken to a dear friend while she was out there and he knew she was going to forget to do anything for herself while she was out there. He arrived and waited for her with a sign held up for everyone to see. But mostly so he wouldn't miss her. "SOPHIA".... He suddenly felt almost embarrased that he came in the new car. Knowing quiet well what she had just come from. He rode in his new beautiful Black Bentley.... But her life was here so it was just a small luxury he could offer her after a long trip.......More important it was the gesture he made to her by picking her up! He thought..."what are friends for?"
---------------------------------------------------
Hum, there are a lot of different emotions in there that are true and some that are made up and well....Very Danielle Steeleish...I know...!

If I was...

2007-09-26T11:18:00.000-05:00

I was running and running. I thought about where my life was at and where it was headed and how much time I had left behind. I keep reminding myself all my little victories and how each one was a step toward my ultimate goal. Which has not been identified but I am comfortable. I was thinking of where my relationships were heading and where some stopped! I had so many questions in my head and know one to give me an answer. I felt my heart rate rapidly get faster and faster. I felt the heat rise in the back of my neck! As I ran that boring treadmill and listened to Alicia Keys singing " If I was your woman". I thought about that! What if I was your woman? I thought about who picks whom? Where was I hoping this went? I just wanted an opportunity to meet you further? What are my chances?
I felt the machine change levels and it got harder. So I continued to concentrate on the painting in the building outside the full length windows. Almost makes you feel like you are going to run and keep running onto Michigan Avenue. I wanted to stop, take break or something. But something deeper told me not too. So the painting seemed to take a life of it's own. They were dancers, musicians, and people. They all jumped of the wall and cheered me to keep going. The pay off in the end is going to be well worth it. They played their instruments along with Alicia, I inhaled and exhaled and continued to push myself, I could hear Tony telling me not to quit and to push, push! He is my personal trainer, friend and motivation rejuvenator. I kept playing it in my head after all my sweat and pain, will come my transformation. How much better I would feel and how more confident I would be. I need it if I want to pursue my one goal I hope turns into something. Funny Tony agreed with me that I have to practice patience. It's something I lack and I pray to God to help me build, find, anything that will get me through the day, everyday!
Every time I find my spot in the gym, I think I wonder, I evaluate. I go because I have so much energy that I have to burn it down. It's my impatience that gets the better of me and I just feel like I loose control. So my working out is to bring me down from all the adrenaline I seemed to have found after just one date with one person. How awkward, it's all new to me and to think this person may never be opened to the idea, the thought? I don't know! But the only place I find comfort right now is that treadmill and Alicia in my Ipod…..
"If I was your woman, if you were my man…..you'd have no other woman…..you'd be week as a lamb, if you had the strength to walk out my door…………"

..It got hotter

2007-09-26T11:16:00.002-05:00

It was cold and wet, the sweat ran down it's neck in slow motion. When it got close to my lips it made me shiver and chills ran down my spine. Each time it touched my lips and filled in my mouth it was heaven! There was no resisting it. I couldn't stop myself, I kept on going and going and as I held it longer, I felt it get hotter....Until it was gone...... that damn Miller Lite....

Arms, Muscles, Oh My...

2007-09-26T11:16:00.001-05:00

He worked his arms for me he said. Each time he does all I can do is bite my lip, I melt just looking. Every step he takes, his muscles contract, uhm how delicious. He fills his shirts quite nicely. The muscles on his arms are tight and the sleeves to his polos are expanding, they are performing a choke hold. The veins on his arms are protruding….. How sinfully devine!

A neck rub!

2007-09-26T11:14:00.000-05:00

You weren't expecting it, but it hit you and it came out of the blue. You were so weak in the knees, you were unarmed and totally vulnerable, as I raced my fingers down your neck. Your knees were like jello, that you fell to the ground. Landed on your knees and I slowly rubbed your neck and shoulders. You head tilted side to side and your breathing was ever so slow, inhaling and exhaling…. My hands ran down your back under your shirt….. Your head bowed to the ground, just mesmerized in full pleasure! It was only a back rub….! But you were captivated and you didn't know what to do! Your body was frozen by me by my hands…Inhaling and exhaling……My hands on your arms, on your back, with the most delicate touch just easing the pains and warming your skin……

Raindrop Tears

2007-09-25T19:25:00.000-05:00

Raindrop tears is what I shed for you today!
Raindrop tears is what I shed for what we had one day!
Those drops of tears, of rain I shed and wept today.

My tears stung my face like acid rain and I cried long and hard!
For what we no longer shared!
For a long time I stared into nothing
I longed for your embrace, for your comfort
I longed for the nights we shared

The rain reminded me of what we had and what we’d left behind.
Fall is showing its cold and brisk face!
I saw the raindrop, tears fall and it reminded me of those lonely cold days.
Raindrops tears I shed of you….today
Raindrop tears I shed for us again

Standing near the window, I looked and reminisced those days
I cried and sobbed, come hold me, where are you.
I felt confused and longed for your embrace
Those tears just ran down and stung my face

I longed to hear your voice; I yearned to see you standing with a bold grin on your face
It hurts; my tears are stinging and the rain continues
Harder and faster piercing me

Today I shed more tears of rain

My Shadow for the Day

2007-09-25T11:28:00.000-05:00

Come and be my shadow for the day! Hang around and be with me. You don't have to say a word. Just you being next to me is comforting. Lets go shopping to a book store. We can page through books, of each others interest. We can commuincate through their words or covers and signals. How exciting would that be. We can be anyone in there!

At home just sit with me, let me hug you and kiss you. I will run my fingers through your hair and serve us ice cream just to share! But don't say a word just smile and let me make you happy. Be my shadow and cover me with your strength and love!

Stand with me as I wash my hair, just in case. Sing a song that I can follow and let us both howl together! Just don't say much else! But I'll have two towels ready and a fire buring in the room where we can sit and find each other. Discuss what silly events occured in our lives, like some crazy lady asking you to be a shadow!

A Message to my Friend!

2007-09-25T11:06:00.000-05:00

Last night I laid awake in bed, listening to the symphony the rain, thunder, and lightning were performing outside my bedroom window. I tried to fall asleep to Laura Pausini but even she couldn't rock me to sleep. I was thinking of all my friends and everything around me. I was a bit confused and feeling guilty for the peace I had in my life that very moment and that my loved ones did not? I thought of my friends relationships and how easy it was for me to tell them that it will get better! That the tears and pains are just part of this moment of growth between the two. I thought it was being a quiter to say if it's going to be OVER then let it be. My friend doesn't quit, and to listen to my friend. Sound so helpless and lonely and afraid. It's a first in my life time. Because she is a strong women! Don't you forget that! I know it will get better, it's a moment you have to put it in the Lords hands and let him deal with it. Remember we can't change anyone, and no one should change us! Just make a decision and stick with it! Last night I think Mom was with you? The rain and the thunder, she was talking to you! Were you listening....? Find your inner peace and then decide what you want to fight for? When you decide you have to be at peace with yourself! In every relationship there is ups and downs......none are perfect. But it will get better! You just have to understand that and stick to your decision and never look back! I am always here for you my friend. To listen to you, to talk to you, to hug you.

Good Morning Sunshine!

2007-09-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

"Good morning sunshine, ya miss me?"

Last night when you left for the evening
I felt this hollowness within me,
Damn the time and obviousness that you aren't coming
Home with me!
Love me, be with me, don't you see
I need you in my life. I need your warmth
I need your touch and your words
I am a lost soul without you guiding me
I am floating into an abyss
Come to me, I love you, can't you hear it?
I want you don't you see it?
I have imagined us together night after night
Together as any two lovers can be
Playing in the dark, blindly guiding hands
Exploring new lands, hearing new sounds
With only the moon's lighting coming in from the windows!
I sat in my bedroom picturing
You in every spot of the room
Imaging your scent in the sheets and your
Clothes all over the floor
Come with me, be my lover, my
Husband and my life
When you talk to me, I look away from you
I fear you might read my thoughts because I
Undress you and touch you and
Caress you, in the foyer of our building in
Public, do you feel it?

"How was your evening, he asks?"

Daily Ray of Sunshine!

2007-09-25T09:05:00.000-05:00

Did you ever find that one person who you could easily fall in love with if you allowed yourself? You would take this person any way shape form or size you could get him/her in? Because every time you saw them they would bring a smile to your face and help you forget that you are hurting or sad or that you have problems? They are almost like instant pain relievers to your soul! Yet you know you will never be more to each other then friends and maybe friends for a long time. I know it's selfish but wouldn't you want a person like that to be with you for the rest of your life?

I fear that even that would fade; it would be an over dose of good stuff and it would loose it's magic, he/she would loose the magic they used to bring you. So I am going to stay neutral and enjoy the bit of sunshine and remedy this person brings to my life daily for a very short time every morning! I will allow my imagination to explore all the lands and seas and mountains of his body and smile to myself when I recall all that I have done to him, as he continues to live his life as normal as anyone can.

I will fall in love with the joy and love I feel when I am with him but withdraw after each encounter! Because he isn't mine and I am not his to love and the magic could be lost in translation!